Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”