My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.