*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Anyone want a chair?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”