*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Botany good plants lately?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
asked my bf how work was today
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child