There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.