“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
You Might Also Like
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost