one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
🙂🙃🥹
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.