*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
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I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends