TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too