*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Just a reminder, folks:
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel