If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Not all heroes wear capes….
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂