I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?