Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
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“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If only.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened