“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
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“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Sign at work today
I love wikipedia
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”