[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
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Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one