Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
You Might Also Like
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?