Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
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the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think