Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
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The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned