I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”