Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
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I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’