I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Check out the legs on this baby
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.