May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Kentucky names the shit out of places
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
worst…sale…ever
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”