Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery