okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport