DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
You Might Also Like
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.