SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
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My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
this is the news I live for
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho