noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women