[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Comparing yourself to others
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
👾👾👾
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.