My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
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Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
it was love at first sight
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.