I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
You Might Also Like
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10