To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
You Might Also Like
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
A ghost story
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.