Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
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*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
real
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.