I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
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Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.