Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
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“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?