“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.