It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass