I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
shampoo implies shampee
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
some Old Testament wisdom