My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
choose your gary
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.