date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
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It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan