That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
😲 WTF? 😆
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?