Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
This cat wants you to take your pills
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land