If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
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Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.