[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
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Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
channeling her this year
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
#dnd #ttrpg
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
🌱🌱🌱
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.