I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes