I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
You Might Also Like
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?