Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that