Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
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Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I want what they have
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.