I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
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I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out