no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
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Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN