Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
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Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
A great tip. #CakeRex
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard